Hampton Times

Dear Friends,

     So this week in the Hampton's was exactly what I needed, it's day 2 and I'm already thinking much more clearly, thanks for letting me use your vacation home, and yacht! It sure is yar. After I left Ted at the altar, I needed some time alone, you were right. I sorted through my feelings and finally realized why I couldn't go through with it... It was the fact that he wore socks with sandals! What kind of a monster does that?! The fact he knocked up my sister made me second guess things too. But it was the socks/sandals combo that was the proverbial straw that broke this camel's back.

     But I'm moving on with my life, and working on my tan. I'm taking an art class while here as well. I made you a koala ash tray, so you need to start smoking.

     My diet has consisted of funions and fruit roll ups. I'm going to go out for dinner tonight, I'm thinking seafood, there's a Captain D's about 30 miles out, really classy joint so I'm told.

     I love your HD t.v. here, I've never seen Jersey Shore so clearly! That Snookie sure know how to dress, she is such an innocent spirit. So real. Such a great role model for this generation. Between Snookie and Miley Cyrus, this world just got brighter and classier! Oh and that Lady Gaga, she sure knows what she's doing! I wore a dress I made completely out of Pringles cans, it was pretty epic! Pretty sure I'm going to be in People magazine, don't be jello :)

     Well Geoff is paging me, he needs to know where I want to dock the yacht. Oh I don't know, maybe behind the house? From whence we departed? You really need to think about replacing him, I'm just saying. I mean I sent him out for Strawberry yogurt and he brought me back Cherry... He is slipping my friends.

     I need to be signing off, I have an art class today. We are making turtle coasters, Christmas Present spoiler alert!! But thanks again for everything! If you talk to my whore of a sister tell her I said she can suck it, and that I hope her bastard child has webbed feet.

     Oh I also got a dragon tattoo on my left thigh, chasing a dragon fly onto my right buttock cheek. Really elegant. Similar to the one on your moms back, the one she got in prison not the one she got in honor of her 8'th marriage.

     Only day 2 and I've had so many breakthrough's! I can't wait to see the beautiful butterfly I will become as the weeks ends and I emerge from my cocoon of confusion :)

Miss you all!

Lovesies

Lindsey

Dear Lulabell,

     Well I ain't gonna beat around the shrub, I'm plum fed up with Jojo, she is the biggest tramp in Pleasant Petunia Pacific Park! She has done went and told everyone that her and Karl are going steady! When you know that me and Karl are practically engaged! He took me to AppleBees, everyone knows that means he's serious! But she is so jealous of me and the fact that I won the Pleasant Petunia Pacific Park Pickled Pears contest and was named Pleasant Petunia Pacific Parks Prettiest Participant contest that she is starting vicious rumors! Saying that Karl has promised to buy her double wide, as much as her tookus needs a double wide door to fit through, he ain't fool enough to go all high and mighty and buy a double wide! Have everyone thinking he is uppity! That's his worst fear, to act above his raisin! His aunt mother, twice removed, would roll over in her ashes if she thought her son would do such a thing! So we's abouts to have a come to Jesus meeting here right soon, I'll straighten her out good, or shank her... Either way my point will be made!

     Now let me tell you all about Karl :) We are so in love, you've never seen a couple more meant for each other Lula. He is so handsome, he has nearly all his teeth, and the prettiest rat tail hair do you've ever seen, he is tall, and broad shouldered, he has 6 fingers as well, I think he comes from an Amish background. He is such a gentleman, always removes his chew before we enter a restaurant, or when we're about to 'park', just very considerate. He even makes his hunting dog get in the bed of the truck on most date nights, and let's me ride shotgun. I know it's only been 3 weeks but I'm pretty sure we're in love! No other man I've been courted by has ever been so considerate... I think he's the one :) 

     Enough about my amazing love life, on to kin. My Uncle Tex is back in jail, I told him about the three strike law but he doesn't know how to count that high so he just kept on being a criminal. I mean how many times can you hold up the Piggly Wiggly before your ex-wife recognizes you and turns you in?! Apparently 5... but Agnes only has that one good eye so I guess she's not entirely to blame. And cousin Benny just had another baby, by another woman, this is his 8'th. Anton, Bartholomew, Clancy, the twins Darcy & DeWayne, Edgar, Fiona and new baby Gigi. I really don't know what the women see in him, he doesn't even own a truck, and lives in his momma's single wide! And always smells like Windex. My sister Trixie is the head waitress down at the local Diner, we are so proud of her! I know you thought she would never amount to anything, but that Missionary that came though taught her how to read and write, and so now the sky's the limit! Too bad that Missionary got shot by our daddy... thought he was a Nazi... Daddy ain't never been the same since that terrible carnival accident. He'll never eat a fried Twinkies again... Momma Charlene is doing well, she spends her time babysitting cousin Benny's kids, and playing Bingo on the weekends with Aunt Myrtle down at the pool hall. So far she's won a George Foreman Grill and some Nicotine patches! We're a lucky bunch we are!

     Well I hope you are doing well in the North country, tell Shaney Laney Aunt Lindsey says she loves her even though she is an illegitimate baby :) I hope your momma never gets out of that home, crazy old woman. Love and miss you!

Your 3'rd Cousin by Marriage once removed

Lindsey

Dear Duchess Rebecca Of the Central Coast,

 

 

     Well I took time out of practice to catch up with you my dear friend, I fear being the daughter of the King of the Sea has it's downfalls. I mean the pros are that as a Mermaid Princess I am beautiful and lithe, and talented and rich, and sought after by all the most handsome Mermen. The cons, well I have to constantly sing and dance and titter and giggle and be pleasant... If I am not all of these things then daddy gets his scales in a knot and I am forced to babysit the young Merkids at the Cotillions and Balls, and I really loathe anyone under 4 feet tall, so I try to be all that I can be, or fake as much as I can!

 

     I do miss you terribly, and although I'm glad you found the love of your life and are now reigning Duchess in your sector of the ocean, I do wish that Clem had decided to live nearer to the Kingdom so I could see you. I never had to fake a giggle or titter with you, I truly enjoyed all our times together! Exploring caves, and sunken ships! Pilfering sweets from the kitchen when Maude was too busy cooking to notice! Flirting with all the Service Mermen as they swam in their sharp uniforms... Oh such good times! I wanted to be courted by a Service Merman, but daddy says I am to only entertain royalty... Boring trout that they usually are it's rather a trial to be giddy around them. He has told me that he is in negotiations with the Chapman clan to the South, their son Dwayne Lee is the most eligible bachelor around, although I have never seen him, let alone met him, it appears we may indeed be getting married. Our lives being Negotiated and sold like a pretty conch at the Seaside market. It seems unfair, but as daddy has always said, being born into royalty leaves you with certain responsibilities, and with those often comes sacrifice from what you truly desire, and you must think of what's best for the Kingdom. I am currently practicing the dance routines for the Ball in which we are to meet, I suppose they want to see how we respond to each other before signing any binding contracts, I suppose that's a small consideration. Well I have 'dallied' long enough according to my sister Aviana, so I will finish this later my friend.

 

AFTER THE BALL

 

 

   I can't believe my luck! Dwayne Lee is the most handsome and jovial Mermen I have ever met! He is brawny and scruffy and has the most beautiful fin scales of all the Mermen in the Kingdom! And the best part is that he is smitten with me! I of course played it very cool, and coy, even demure. He couldn't take his eyes off of me, I sang and danced more gracefully than ever before, it's like his presence calmed me yet energized me in a way I've never known before! His voice is my Siren, his touch my Kryptonite, we were meant to be Rebecca, I can feel it in my fins! When we were first officially introduced and I looked into his eyes, it was like coming home... We danced and laughed and talked into the wee hours of the night, we swam to a more private cove and talked in depth about our lives, our dreams, our passions! He made me laugh, and I sigh at the memory of his smile :) Needless to say I told daddy I was perfectly content with him signing the treaty between our family's that would be sealed by our marriage!! I did however tell daddy that Dwayne Lee would have to propose, every girl deserves a proposal, even if it has to be mentioned in a contract. We have a date tonight so I anticipate it then! Oh Rebecca did you ever imagine me married?! I feared the day wouldn't come, my stubbornness and knack for trouble had be thinking daddy would send me to the Seanunnery! But I will be a Queen, and a happy one I believe! I cannot wait to rub this is Jennifer's face! You remember when she stole Josh right out from under me!! With her sultry Seaforeign ways!! So what if she was from the far East coast, I hear those Mermaids can't even make a proper seaweed scarf! But anyway, I am over him of course, but I still won't mind holding my title and happiness over her head, filthy peasant! Not that I'm bitter or anything... Of course not...

THE PROPOSAL

     He took me to this lovely Clam Bar that serves the most delicious Scallop Salad you've ever tasted, and he put my ring in the cutest Coral box he made himself! He told me that even if it wouldn't benefit our families that he was in Love with me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, swimming by my side forever! He was so nervous, and handsome, I of course said yes and was overjoyed at how romantic he was! He then took me on a midnight whale ride, while schools of fish danced in joy around us! I found out he loves to cook, and he dreams of being in law enforcement off the coast of Hawaii, I assured him I was okay with that, and that I would support his dreams because I'm just that awesome. He said he loves music, and dancing, at which point his grabbed me and we started to dance in the shimmering water, back lit by the moon, he whispered endearments into my ear as he held me close, I will never ever forget that night. I always thought I wold be duty bound to the Merman I would have one day been forced to marry, but I am truly happy and in love, it's meant to be, written in the sea and the stars! He reluctantly swam me home, and assured me that he wanted our union to take place as soon as possible, and that we would start working on the plans the next day, he really wants to be involved and help make decisions, I fell asleep with a smile on my face that night :) 

     I do hope you will be my Mermaid of Honor!! You must come to the Kingdom as soon as possible so we can begin to really plan!! There are flowers, and dresses, and the catering, and the hair and make-up, and music!! I am so excited!! I realize Dwayne Lee wants to be involved, but let's be real, the details are up to us! I think I will make my sisters wear dresses that make their Fins look fat... they have been so jealous and hateful to me lately! They called you foul names when you got married too, so we can totally take out our revenge on them now!! Mer-wenches! We must have lunch soon, I am hoping to have this all planned and over in six months, so have your assistant check your schedule and fit me in for a lunch next week! I cleared my lunch hour all of next week so we wouldn't have any conflict. Feel free to bring Clem, I would love for him and Dwayne Lee to be besties like we are! I'm sure they will hit it off! I mean Clem isn't insecure so he shouldn't be intimidated by the brawn and charm of Dwayne Lee, they should get along just fine! Well I need to start looking at colors and narrowing it down, I do hope to see you next week! 

Love you! 

Soon to be Queen Lindsey of the South

Dear Julie,

Day 1:     Well I've been kidnapped.... by Pirates. Yeah, I jest you not my friend! They are about as dumb as a bunch of drunk wooden posts, I am terribly embarrassed to have been accosted and taken by them! They gave me paper to write my father a ransom note, well I don't know why I need a whole 5 pages for that, I simply consulted the GPS on my phone and wrote out the latitude and longitude on the paper for him, they thought it was the ransom cost... smarmy goats!! So while I'm waiting on my rescue I thought I would write and let you know how I've been lately.

     Well there is this inconvenient bit about being kidnapped, it seems first and foremost on my list of "Oh crap, really?!?!". I mean this ship is a disaster! Nothing but fish bones and empty rum barrels! I mean come on now, can't a girl in duress get some lobster tail and a fresh spinach salad at least?! Gutter rats are eating better than I am right now! All they feed me is steak and potatoes, what do I look like? A farm maiden from the 13'th Century?! Puh-lease! Only low born, and low class wenches eat cow and spuds, it's insulting! The Captain of this vessel bursts into my chambers and is like "ello poppet, whuy aint you be eating yoor vittles?!", I'm like, because they aren't fit for consumption by a lady, I'd rather starve and keep my dignity you cretin!! And he is all like "Uhy ahd me best effer kihld for this you ninny!", to which I replied, I'm sorry your mother died, but I refuse to eat this rubbish... He simply turned a ghastly shade of red and stomped from the room, I haven't dealt with him again thankfully, he now sends his lackey, Chancy, to keep an eye on me. He smells of old, wet socks, yet has a lovely smile, which is surprising, because to see a Pirate with all his teeth is a rare occurrence indeed. He doesn't talk much, but he likes to dance... watching him dance is a whole new kind torture! I dare say he could learn a thing or two from you in that field, and that's saying enough...

Day 12:     I'm getting quite bored with this whole 'damsel in distress' business, it is wearing on my nerves! I have finally managed to get them to leave me untied, I mean where am I gonna go? Seriously. And I met the Master of Arms, Troy, and he is teaching me how to defend myself. I'm learning all about fisticuffs. I am quite skilled with a sword now, I am turning into a regular Joan of Arc, except with better hair, obviously. I can shoot a bow, and wield an ax, and have excelled in the fencing style of sword play! Troy is quite proud of me, which is making me proud of myself :) I finally convinced Chancy to go pillage me some new clothes, this bustle has got to go! So now I am sporting some linen pants, and white shirt with a very leather bustier... I look delectable and dangerous... I like it. 

Day 23:     I am not sure what is taking my father so long to rescue me... They are making me do manual labor, such as cleaning and cooking and sewing... This domestic trill is absolutely killing me! I threw an enormous fit over the general hygiene and lack of respect they show this ship by leaving themselves and the ship filthy! So they started regularly bathing, and cleaning up after themselves, and actually things have improved. I am still forced to help with the above mentioned chores and such, but now it's more of maintaining things than trying to salvage them completely. So we all chip in, we wash, and cook, and clean, and bath, and so on and so forth. The smell is the most improved! I didn't realize I had gotten used to such stench, but now the Pine Sol freshness is so refreshing that we all realize the difference. I also taught them how to play Truth or Dare... It has gone awry with the daring once or twice, but no lives lost so that's a success! Turns out we have a few musicians on board as well, so we often have a night of singing and dancing. Although I use the term 'dancing' loosely, it I didn't know better I would think the lot of them were being exorcised. But they try, we all seem to be trying. My hands look like a commoners though, I feel like a typical peasant, it is a most unwelcome feeling! I have to actually do things for myself, and it's exhausting!  

Day 30:     I discovered that I can actually fish for lobster! I can finally eat a decent meal that doesn't consist of some kind of farm animal! And Chancy stole some lovely vegetables so I was able to whip up a salad! We will feast tonight! The boys are looking forward to it as well, I have actually started to... dare I say it... like... these loathsome creatures. They grow on you, like a fungus. But they have treated me well, so I will in turn do the same. Also turns out that the Captain was killed while trying to buy scarves in some local village, he had ruined the leader of the villages eldest's reputation, so he choked him to death with a scarf... the crew is ashamed at the unmanly way he was disposed of, as they should be. So now they are considering who the new Captain should be, they are surprisingly diplomatic when it comes to these matter, there is to be a vote and everything. Troy says I should throw my name in the hat...

Day 44: Well my Father finally sent out a messenger, and he says that since he can only assume I've been ruined, and no man will ever want me, and I've ruined the family name by being captured, that he will not pay ransom, and that he will assume I am dead. Big mistake daddy, Huge! Cause guess who's the new Captain of this Pirate ship? Yeah that's right, this girl. And guess who has a grudge and a very ugly vendetta? Oh yeah, you guessed it, me again! So I'm sailing around finding allies, and forging new relations with old enemies of the former Captains, and if I do say so myself, I am building a rather intimidating militia of Pirates that will soon end the pompous ways of my father and the traitors I considered friends. I hope you're on the right side of this when it all goes down my friend. I have to go train with Troy, and later I have a dance class... If we are taking over my father's kingdom, then these scallywags need to know how to properly waltz! I am having Chancy deliver this to you personally, I hope all is well, I will be seeing you soon. Love you my dear friend.

Captain Lou

of the Pirate Ship

Wild Oats

Howdy Stephy,

     

     Well I'll be honest, I'm plum tuckered out, but I promised you a letter so I will keep to my word! Pa done passed onto glory nigh unto four months ago.  He was hit by a bear. Treacherous land up here in the Wyoming wild. I done told him not to mosey out to hunt in the dark during breeding season, but he was already three sheets to the wind and determined to do something stupid. I miss the old coot. All I had left in the way of parents, and he raised me the best he could after Ma went on to be with Jesus. Pronounced Hey-soos, showed up on our door step selling guacamole and left with my Ma, and left us with heart ache and a hate of avocados. 

     

     I'm afraid of horses, yet I own this here Stud Ranch, "Hoof Kick", it's all Pa left me. I'm not sure how I'm going to persevere through all of this. A ranch hand, Jericho, has been a big help! He knows all kinds of horse stuff, and is a big old moose of a man so all the other ranch hands listen without question. When I try to dish out orders they all kinda laugh, disrespectful varmints! But ol' Jericho keeps em in line. He is about 3 years my senior, looks like a rugged Mark Wahlberg. Most girls go crazy over him. He's okay of you're into that whole drop dead gorgeous thing. I trust him with everything, except my virtue...

     I got that fancy cookbook you sent me, it's been really helpful! I accidentally shot our cook... it's a long story... but let's just say I'm not a good person to surprise... Luckily Jericho grabbed the gun before I could shoot anyone else! Anyway, I've had to cook for myself for a while now, and so the book of recipes has been a big help, that old Betty sure knows what she's doing! My favorite is that super exotic dish of chicken quesadilla's! I feel like I should wear a sombrero when I eat them. 

     I decided to try and enter some of my horses into races! We have a few real fast steeds that I think are promising, I'm hoping to make it to the Kentucky Derby, I'll be sure to let you know so you can get a big fancy hat for the occasion. I know how you love hats and mint juleps, you stylish lush :) One of my steeds, Crazy Eyes, is a big ole black stallion who happens to love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and wheat germ. Glad I don't have to muck out his stall Guffaw guffaw guffaw!! 

     You remember that freckled tom boy who always hung around my cousin Barry? Her name was Marsha. Well she has always hated me, I'm not sure why, maybe because I always called her stupid and put fire ants in her hair, but I can't be for sure. Anyway, she is now a big wig cashier down at the Wal-Mart. Thinks she is all high and mighty! I can't even shop there anymore! I have to go to the next county over to shop! If I happen to have the misfortune of her cashing me out, she always 'accidentally misses' something and the alarm goes off when I'm trying to exit the premises! I hate her with the passion of a thousand burning suns! And she is marrying Barry! I'm going to be related to her crazy hind end! I am in desperate need of assistance to stop this wedding! He always had a thing for you, and you love crashing weddings, maybe you could seduce him? Just until after the wedding has broke up? I would be forever grateful to you! I just can't imagine spending Holiday's with her! And I just can't get through to Barry, stubborn old mule of a man that he is, he thinks he loves her! How can you love crazy?! I think she's a voodoo priestess or something... She has hexed him! I looked all over his place and there was no sign of chicken feet anywhere... So she must be using something else less obvious. Your help is needed! Let me know when you can come so I can get you a room made up.

     Well I have to go sheer the sheep, and brush the horses, and milk the cows, and get cheese from the goats, and ham from the pigs. I do miss you, and I hope all is well with you and the Burlesque show you're in. You're a shameless hussie, but I still love you. I have enclosed some goat milk lotion I make myself, I do hope you enjoy it. 

           Until the next time

    I am sincerely yours in friendship

                Lindsey

Dear Stephanie,

   

   Well hello dear old friend! It has been a while since I last wrote, I must apologize for that, but they don't have great Internet reception here in the Outback. The Outback Steakhouse that is, love me some dead animal and potato at the O.S. (That's short for Outback Steakhouse).

   I hope you are doing well, I heard that you were having some ankle problems. Of course you already have weak ankles, and then you go and try to do Rockette moves on the dance floor after your already deep into your cups...well I don't want to sound un-concerned, but it serves you right tramp face.

   I spoke to our mutual friend Eunice this morning, she was on a shopping spree, her insurance check for her 3rd dead husband came today and so she went out and celebrated. Can't blame the old girl, she only has two vacation homes now, she had to sell the other three to pay for her yacht all by herself, I told her then that #3 didn't care! I mean #2 never made her suffer to pay for her own schooner. Hopefully #4 will treat her better. *Sigh* she is 33 and only on her 3rd dead husband, I was 28 by that time and was married to #4! But she always was a slow learner, poor dear.

   I see your sister went and got herself pregnant again, this is her 8th correct? Gerry told me that he couldn't keep up with all of them, but she refuses to hire help. Pride, it is a terrible thing! You need to talk to her, and by 'talk' I mean punch her right in the uterus. You did that for your foreign cousin, so I don't see why you can't do it for your own sister, your closer kin! Imagine it is hard to remember all her kids names, she named them all with 7 Brides for 7 Brothers in mind, but still! Asmerelda, Baleb, Conothan, Doshua, Eyan, Fusan, and Gristle...Lord help #8!

   Well I must be off, I will be sure to write again soon, I know you look forward to my insight.

Yours Kind of Truly

Lindsey

How did I end up here?! I swore that I would never sink to this level, no matter what! But I was poor... So I did the only thing I could do in the situation I was in. Here I was, a young girl, alone, broke, hungry, tan, and gorgeous... So I said Constance, you have no choice, you have to start working the streets. So like many before me I cleaned myself up, let my hair down, and became the Mayor of my town! It was actually really easy. I went door to door, made vague threats, false promises, and used the fear of my future constituents to clean up my act... literally... I used their showers, ate their food, even took some of their clothes. They were happy to do it of course, after a bit of 'persuasion'. I mean God blessed me with these otherworldly good looks for a reason, and I used them to ensnare very large, scary, and loyal boyfriends to help me elevate my status through whatever means necessary! Be that fear, attraction, grocery shopping with old women, golfing with middle aged men, taking Junior to Soccer practice, or beating up the hobo that had strewn garbage across your lawn. There was a wide variety of needs in my jurisdiction, and luckily I had a lot of boyfriends to help enforce the justice I deemed greatly needed in my town :)

 

My father always had higher hopes for me. He wanted me to move to Vegas and be a show girl, just like my mother, and her mom before her. But I just didn't have the neck strength for the heavy head dresses. He was very angry at me after I failed as a show girl... hasn't spoken to me since. Wrote me off, moved, changed his number, even changed his name so I couldn't find him. I'm sure what I am doing now with my new career would make him almost suicidal in his disappointment. But not everyone can be in the entertainment industry, it's a hard job to get into. But I mean anyone can work for the Government. My mother left us when I was 6, to the go to the wilds of Canada and become a commercial fisherman. She had become jaded as a dancer, but still wanted to have a career using a pole, so a fisherman was really a natural course for her to take. I also believe that she knew of my weak neck muscles, and couldn't stand to look at her failure of a daughter everyday. She also abandoned me, we could never find her. I heard she changed her name to Bunny and lives on a dingy. Which was always her life dream, so I shouldn't hold that against her. But if I ever did see her again... I would shave her head and water board her.

 

But back to business. I'm making great changes around here, Happy Hour is now mandatory all day, everyday! Anyone wearing socks with sandals is going to go to jail for a week and have to pay a heavy fine. Anything I find at your yard sale that is over $5 I will burn. Tube tops are illegal. You cannot pay anyone in gum. If you're not in church on Sunday you will be fined, and after three consecutive absences without proof of subsequent reasons for said absence, you will be publicly tarred and feathered on Monday, the day the po-po is off, so to the Lord be tethered, or be tarred and feathered :) Also each day of the week highlights something specific I deem necessary.

 

Sunday - Everyone has to eat their meals outside, regardless of weather conditions.

Monday - The Police have the day off, so my boyfriends will patrol the streets, please break the law because they need to hit something at least once a week.

Tuesday - Shrimp Taco Tuesday!! Everyone must eat shrimp tacos, regardless of so called allergies or religious beliefs. Eat the dang taco! Or be thrown in the dungeon. Oh yeah, I have a dungeon. Test me.

Wednesday - The firemen are off, so if your roof, your roof, your roof is on fire, the fire men are off so it's obviously gonna burn.

Thursday - Anyone wearing orange will be shot on sight.

Friday - Weekly parade in my honor. Attendance is mandatory. You do not want to know the consequences of missing.

Saturday - Firearm Class. My town is also an Army, you must learn to defend it. Followed by weekly bon fire for moral.

 

So since my term has started, in the lovely little gangster town of Winchestertonfieldville, things have slowly been getting better. I look my beautiful self in the mirror every day and say, "Connie, you go out and make this town as fierce as you are!". And I do. Can I get a holla!