Dear Julie,

Day 1:     Well I've been kidnapped.... by Pirates. Yeah, I jest you not my friend! They are about as dumb as a bunch of drunk wooden posts, I am terribly embarrassed to have been accosted and taken by them! They gave me paper to write my father a ransom note, well I don't know why I need a whole 5 pages for that, I simply consulted the GPS on my phone and wrote out the latitude and longitude on the paper for him, they thought it was the ransom cost... smarmy goats!! So while I'm waiting on my rescue I thought I would write and let you know how I've been lately.

     Well there is this inconvenient bit about being kidnapped, it seems first and foremost on my list of "Oh crap, really?!?!". I mean this ship is a disaster! Nothing but fish bones and empty rum barrels! I mean come on now, can't a girl in duress get some lobster tail and a fresh spinach salad at least?! Gutter rats are eating better than I am right now! All they feed me is steak and potatoes, what do I look like? A farm maiden from the 13'th Century?! Puh-lease! Only low born, and low class wenches eat cow and spuds, it's insulting! The Captain of this vessel bursts into my chambers and is like "ello poppet, whuy aint you be eating yoor vittles?!", I'm like, because they aren't fit for consumption by a lady, I'd rather starve and keep my dignity you cretin!! And he is all like "Uhy ahd me best effer kihld for this you ninny!", to which I replied, I'm sorry your mother died, but I refuse to eat this rubbish... He simply turned a ghastly shade of red and stomped from the room, I haven't dealt with him again thankfully, he now sends his lackey, Chancy, to keep an eye on me. He smells of old, wet socks, yet has a lovely smile, which is surprising, because to see a Pirate with all his teeth is a rare occurrence indeed. He doesn't talk much, but he likes to dance... watching him dance is a whole new kind torture! I dare say he could learn a thing or two from you in that field, and that's saying enough...

Day 12:     I'm getting quite bored with this whole 'damsel in distress' business, it is wearing on my nerves! I have finally managed to get them to leave me untied, I mean where am I gonna go? Seriously. And I met the Master of Arms, Troy, and he is teaching me how to defend myself. I'm learning all about fisticuffs. I am quite skilled with a sword now, I am turning into a regular Joan of Arc, except with better hair, obviously. I can shoot a bow, and wield an ax, and have excelled in the fencing style of sword play! Troy is quite proud of me, which is making me proud of myself :) I finally convinced Chancy to go pillage me some new clothes, this bustle has got to go! So now I am sporting some linen pants, and white shirt with a very leather bustier... I look delectable and dangerous... I like it. 

Day 23:     I am not sure what is taking my father so long to rescue me... They are making me do manual labor, such as cleaning and cooking and sewing... This domestic trill is absolutely killing me! I threw an enormous fit over the general hygiene and lack of respect they show this ship by leaving themselves and the ship filthy! So they started regularly bathing, and cleaning up after themselves, and actually things have improved. I am still forced to help with the above mentioned chores and such, but now it's more of maintaining things than trying to salvage them completely. So we all chip in, we wash, and cook, and clean, and bath, and so on and so forth. The smell is the most improved! I didn't realize I had gotten used to such stench, but now the Pine Sol freshness is so refreshing that we all realize the difference. I also taught them how to play Truth or Dare... It has gone awry with the daring once or twice, but no lives lost so that's a success! Turns out we have a few musicians on board as well, so we often have a night of singing and dancing. Although I use the term 'dancing' loosely, it I didn't know better I would think the lot of them were being exorcised. But they try, we all seem to be trying. My hands look like a commoners though, I feel like a typical peasant, it is a most unwelcome feeling! I have to actually do things for myself, and it's exhausting!  

Day 30:     I discovered that I can actually fish for lobster! I can finally eat a decent meal that doesn't consist of some kind of farm animal! And Chancy stole some lovely vegetables so I was able to whip up a salad! We will feast tonight! The boys are looking forward to it as well, I have actually started to... dare I say it... like... these loathsome creatures. They grow on you, like a fungus. But they have treated me well, so I will in turn do the same. Also turns out that the Captain was killed while trying to buy scarves in some local village, he had ruined the leader of the villages eldest's reputation, so he choked him to death with a scarf... the crew is ashamed at the unmanly way he was disposed of, as they should be. So now they are considering who the new Captain should be, they are surprisingly diplomatic when it comes to these matter, there is to be a vote and everything. Troy says I should throw my name in the hat...

Day 44: Well my Father finally sent out a messenger, and he says that since he can only assume I've been ruined, and no man will ever want me, and I've ruined the family name by being captured, that he will not pay ransom, and that he will assume I am dead. Big mistake daddy, Huge! Cause guess who's the new Captain of this Pirate ship? Yeah that's right, this girl. And guess who has a grudge and a very ugly vendetta? Oh yeah, you guessed it, me again! So I'm sailing around finding allies, and forging new relations with old enemies of the former Captains, and if I do say so myself, I am building a rather intimidating militia of Pirates that will soon end the pompous ways of my father and the traitors I considered friends. I hope you're on the right side of this when it all goes down my friend. I have to go train with Troy, and later I have a dance class... If we are taking over my father's kingdom, then these scallywags need to know how to properly waltz! I am having Chancy deliver this to you personally, I hope all is well, I will be seeing you soon. Love you my dear friend.

Captain Lou

of the Pirate Ship

Wild Oats