How did I end up here?! I swore that I would never sink to this level, no matter what! But I was poor... So I did the only thing I could do in the situation I was in. Here I was, a young girl, alone, broke, hungry, tan, and gorgeous... So I said Constance, you have no choice, you have to start working the streets. So like many before me I cleaned myself up, let my hair down, and became the Mayor of my town! It was actually really easy. I went door to door, made vague threats, false promises, and used the fear of my future constituents to clean up my act... literally... I used their showers, ate their food, even took some of their clothes. They were happy to do it of course, after a bit of 'persuasion'. I mean God blessed me with these otherworldly good looks for a reason, and I used them to ensnare very large, scary, and loyal boyfriends to help me elevate my status through whatever means necessary! Be that fear, attraction, grocery shopping with old women, golfing with middle aged men, taking Junior to Soccer practice, or beating up the hobo that had strewn garbage across your lawn. There was a wide variety of needs in my jurisdiction, and luckily I had a lot of boyfriends to help enforce the justice I deemed greatly needed in my town :)

 

My father always had higher hopes for me. He wanted me to move to Vegas and be a show girl, just like my mother, and her mom before her. But I just didn't have the neck strength for the heavy head dresses. He was very angry at me after I failed as a show girl... hasn't spoken to me since. Wrote me off, moved, changed his number, even changed his name so I couldn't find him. I'm sure what I am doing now with my new career would make him almost suicidal in his disappointment. But not everyone can be in the entertainment industry, it's a hard job to get into. But I mean anyone can work for the Government. My mother left us when I was 6, to the go to the wilds of Canada and become a commercial fisherman. She had become jaded as a dancer, but still wanted to have a career using a pole, so a fisherman was really a natural course for her to take. I also believe that she knew of my weak neck muscles, and couldn't stand to look at her failure of a daughter everyday. She also abandoned me, we could never find her. I heard she changed her name to Bunny and lives on a dingy. Which was always her life dream, so I shouldn't hold that against her. But if I ever did see her again... I would shave her head and water board her.

 

But back to business. I'm making great changes around here, Happy Hour is now mandatory all day, everyday! Anyone wearing socks with sandals is going to go to jail for a week and have to pay a heavy fine. Anything I find at your yard sale that is over $5 I will burn. Tube tops are illegal. You cannot pay anyone in gum. If you're not in church on Sunday you will be fined, and after three consecutive absences without proof of subsequent reasons for said absence, you will be publicly tarred and feathered on Monday, the day the po-po is off, so to the Lord be tethered, or be tarred and feathered :) Also each day of the week highlights something specific I deem necessary.

 

Sunday - Everyone has to eat their meals outside, regardless of weather conditions.

Monday - The Police have the day off, so my boyfriends will patrol the streets, please break the law because they need to hit something at least once a week.

Tuesday - Shrimp Taco Tuesday!! Everyone must eat shrimp tacos, regardless of so called allergies or religious beliefs. Eat the dang taco! Or be thrown in the dungeon. Oh yeah, I have a dungeon. Test me.

Wednesday - The firemen are off, so if your roof, your roof, your roof is on fire, the fire men are off so it's obviously gonna burn.

Thursday - Anyone wearing orange will be shot on sight.

Friday - Weekly parade in my honor. Attendance is mandatory. You do not want to know the consequences of missing.

Saturday - Firearm Class. My town is also an Army, you must learn to defend it. Followed by weekly bon fire for moral.

 

So since my term has started, in the lovely little gangster town of Winchestertonfieldville, things have slowly been getting better. I look my beautiful self in the mirror every day and say, "Connie, you go out and make this town as fierce as you are!". And I do. Can I get a holla!