Dear Lulabell,

     Well I ain't gonna beat around the shrub, I'm plum fed up with Jojo, she is the biggest tramp in Pleasant Petunia Pacific Park! She has done went and told everyone that her and Karl are going steady! When you know that me and Karl are practically engaged! He took me to AppleBees, everyone knows that means he's serious! But she is so jealous of me and the fact that I won the Pleasant Petunia Pacific Park Pickled Pears contest and was named Pleasant Petunia Pacific Parks Prettiest Participant contest that she is starting vicious rumors! Saying that Karl has promised to buy her double wide, as much as her tookus needs a double wide door to fit through, he ain't fool enough to go all high and mighty and buy a double wide! Have everyone thinking he is uppity! That's his worst fear, to act above his raisin! His aunt mother, twice removed, would roll over in her ashes if she thought her son would do such a thing! So we's abouts to have a come to Jesus meeting here right soon, I'll straighten her out good, or shank her... Either way my point will be made!

     Now let me tell you all about Karl :) We are so in love, you've never seen a couple more meant for each other Lula. He is so handsome, he has nearly all his teeth, and the prettiest rat tail hair do you've ever seen, he is tall, and broad shouldered, he has 6 fingers as well, I think he comes from an Amish background. He is such a gentleman, always removes his chew before we enter a restaurant, or when we're about to 'park', just very considerate. He even makes his hunting dog get in the bed of the truck on most date nights, and let's me ride shotgun. I know it's only been 3 weeks but I'm pretty sure we're in love! No other man I've been courted by has ever been so considerate... I think he's the one :) 

     Enough about my amazing love life, on to kin. My Uncle Tex is back in jail, I told him about the three strike law but he doesn't know how to count that high so he just kept on being a criminal. I mean how many times can you hold up the Piggly Wiggly before your ex-wife recognizes you and turns you in?! Apparently 5... but Agnes only has that one good eye so I guess she's not entirely to blame. And cousin Benny just had another baby, by another woman, this is his 8'th. Anton, Bartholomew, Clancy, the twins Darcy & DeWayne, Edgar, Fiona and new baby Gigi. I really don't know what the women see in him, he doesn't even own a truck, and lives in his momma's single wide! And always smells like Windex. My sister Trixie is the head waitress down at the local Diner, we are so proud of her! I know you thought she would never amount to anything, but that Missionary that came though taught her how to read and write, and so now the sky's the limit! Too bad that Missionary got shot by our daddy... thought he was a Nazi... Daddy ain't never been the same since that terrible carnival accident. He'll never eat a fried Twinkies again... Momma Charlene is doing well, she spends her time babysitting cousin Benny's kids, and playing Bingo on the weekends with Aunt Myrtle down at the pool hall. So far she's won a George Foreman Grill and some Nicotine patches! We're a lucky bunch we are!

     Well I hope you are doing well in the North country, tell Shaney Laney Aunt Lindsey says she loves her even though she is an illegitimate baby :) I hope your momma never gets out of that home, crazy old woman. Love and miss you!

Your 3'rd Cousin by Marriage once removed

Lindsey