Howdy Stephy,

     

     Well I'll be honest, I'm plum tuckered out, but I promised you a letter so I will keep to my word! Pa done passed onto glory nigh unto four months ago.  He was hit by a bear. Treacherous land up here in the Wyoming wild. I done told him not to mosey out to hunt in the dark during breeding season, but he was already three sheets to the wind and determined to do something stupid. I miss the old coot. All I had left in the way of parents, and he raised me the best he could after Ma went on to be with Jesus. Pronounced Hey-soos, showed up on our door step selling guacamole and left with my Ma, and left us with heart ache and a hate of avocados. 

     

     I'm afraid of horses, yet I own this here Stud Ranch, "Hoof Kick", it's all Pa left me. I'm not sure how I'm going to persevere through all of this. A ranch hand, Jericho, has been a big help! He knows all kinds of horse stuff, and is a big old moose of a man so all the other ranch hands listen without question. When I try to dish out orders they all kinda laugh, disrespectful varmints! But ol' Jericho keeps em in line. He is about 3 years my senior, looks like a rugged Mark Wahlberg. Most girls go crazy over him. He's okay of you're into that whole drop dead gorgeous thing. I trust him with everything, except my virtue...

     I got that fancy cookbook you sent me, it's been really helpful! I accidentally shot our cook... it's a long story... but let's just say I'm not a good person to surprise... Luckily Jericho grabbed the gun before I could shoot anyone else! Anyway, I've had to cook for myself for a while now, and so the book of recipes has been a big help, that old Betty sure knows what she's doing! My favorite is that super exotic dish of chicken quesadilla's! I feel like I should wear a sombrero when I eat them. 

     I decided to try and enter some of my horses into races! We have a few real fast steeds that I think are promising, I'm hoping to make it to the Kentucky Derby, I'll be sure to let you know so you can get a big fancy hat for the occasion. I know how you love hats and mint juleps, you stylish lush :) One of my steeds, Crazy Eyes, is a big ole black stallion who happens to love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and wheat germ. Glad I don't have to muck out his stall Guffaw guffaw guffaw!! 

     You remember that freckled tom boy who always hung around my cousin Barry? Her name was Marsha. Well she has always hated me, I'm not sure why, maybe because I always called her stupid and put fire ants in her hair, but I can't be for sure. Anyway, she is now a big wig cashier down at the Wal-Mart. Thinks she is all high and mighty! I can't even shop there anymore! I have to go to the next county over to shop! If I happen to have the misfortune of her cashing me out, she always 'accidentally misses' something and the alarm goes off when I'm trying to exit the premises! I hate her with the passion of a thousand burning suns! And she is marrying Barry! I'm going to be related to her crazy hind end! I am in desperate need of assistance to stop this wedding! He always had a thing for you, and you love crashing weddings, maybe you could seduce him? Just until after the wedding has broke up? I would be forever grateful to you! I just can't imagine spending Holiday's with her! And I just can't get through to Barry, stubborn old mule of a man that he is, he thinks he loves her! How can you love crazy?! I think she's a voodoo priestess or something... She has hexed him! I looked all over his place and there was no sign of chicken feet anywhere... So she must be using something else less obvious. Your help is needed! Let me know when you can come so I can get you a room made up.

     Well I have to go sheer the sheep, and brush the horses, and milk the cows, and get cheese from the goats, and ham from the pigs. I do miss you, and I hope all is well with you and the Burlesque show you're in. You're a shameless hussie, but I still love you. I have enclosed some goat milk lotion I make myself, I do hope you enjoy it. 

           Until the next time

    I am sincerely yours in friendship

                Lindsey

Dear Stephanie,

   

   Well hello dear old friend! It has been a while since I last wrote, I must apologize for that, but they don't have great Internet reception here in the Outback. The Outback Steakhouse that is, love me some dead animal and potato at the O.S. (That's short for Outback Steakhouse).

   I hope you are doing well, I heard that you were having some ankle problems. Of course you already have weak ankles, and then you go and try to do Rockette moves on the dance floor after your already deep into your cups...well I don't want to sound un-concerned, but it serves you right tramp face.

   I spoke to our mutual friend Eunice this morning, she was on a shopping spree, her insurance check for her 3rd dead husband came today and so she went out and celebrated. Can't blame the old girl, she only has two vacation homes now, she had to sell the other three to pay for her yacht all by herself, I told her then that #3 didn't care! I mean #2 never made her suffer to pay for her own schooner. Hopefully #4 will treat her better. *Sigh* she is 33 and only on her 3rd dead husband, I was 28 by that time and was married to #4! But she always was a slow learner, poor dear.

   I see your sister went and got herself pregnant again, this is her 8th correct? Gerry told me that he couldn't keep up with all of them, but she refuses to hire help. Pride, it is a terrible thing! You need to talk to her, and by 'talk' I mean punch her right in the uterus. You did that for your foreign cousin, so I don't see why you can't do it for your own sister, your closer kin! Imagine it is hard to remember all her kids names, she named them all with 7 Brides for 7 Brothers in mind, but still! Asmerelda, Baleb, Conothan, Doshua, Eyan, Fusan, and Gristle...Lord help #8!

   Well I must be off, I will be sure to write again soon, I know you look forward to my insight.

Yours Kind of Truly

Lindsey

How did I end up here?! I swore that I would never sink to this level, no matter what! But I was poor... So I did the only thing I could do in the situation I was in. Here I was, a young girl, alone, broke, hungry, tan, and gorgeous... So I said Constance, you have no choice, you have to start working the streets. So like many before me I cleaned myself up, let my hair down, and became the Mayor of my town! It was actually really easy. I went door to door, made vague threats, false promises, and used the fear of my future constituents to clean up my act... literally... I used their showers, ate their food, even took some of their clothes. They were happy to do it of course, after a bit of 'persuasion'. I mean God blessed me with these otherworldly good looks for a reason, and I used them to ensnare very large, scary, and loyal boyfriends to help me elevate my status through whatever means necessary! Be that fear, attraction, grocery shopping with old women, golfing with middle aged men, taking Junior to Soccer practice, or beating up the hobo that had strewn garbage across your lawn. There was a wide variety of needs in my jurisdiction, and luckily I had a lot of boyfriends to help enforce the justice I deemed greatly needed in my town :)

 

My father always had higher hopes for me. He wanted me to move to Vegas and be a show girl, just like my mother, and her mom before her. But I just didn't have the neck strength for the heavy head dresses. He was very angry at me after I failed as a show girl... hasn't spoken to me since. Wrote me off, moved, changed his number, even changed his name so I couldn't find him. I'm sure what I am doing now with my new career would make him almost suicidal in his disappointment. But not everyone can be in the entertainment industry, it's a hard job to get into. But I mean anyone can work for the Government. My mother left us when I was 6, to the go to the wilds of Canada and become a commercial fisherman. She had become jaded as a dancer, but still wanted to have a career using a pole, so a fisherman was really a natural course for her to take. I also believe that she knew of my weak neck muscles, and couldn't stand to look at her failure of a daughter everyday. She also abandoned me, we could never find her. I heard she changed her name to Bunny and lives on a dingy. Which was always her life dream, so I shouldn't hold that against her. But if I ever did see her again... I would shave her head and water board her.

 

But back to business. I'm making great changes around here, Happy Hour is now mandatory all day, everyday! Anyone wearing socks with sandals is going to go to jail for a week and have to pay a heavy fine. Anything I find at your yard sale that is over $5 I will burn. Tube tops are illegal. You cannot pay anyone in gum. If you're not in church on Sunday you will be fined, and after three consecutive absences without proof of subsequent reasons for said absence, you will be publicly tarred and feathered on Monday, the day the po-po is off, so to the Lord be tethered, or be tarred and feathered :) Also each day of the week highlights something specific I deem necessary.

 

Sunday - Everyone has to eat their meals outside, regardless of weather conditions.

Monday - The Police have the day off, so my boyfriends will patrol the streets, please break the law because they need to hit something at least once a week.

Tuesday - Shrimp Taco Tuesday!! Everyone must eat shrimp tacos, regardless of so called allergies or religious beliefs. Eat the dang taco! Or be thrown in the dungeon. Oh yeah, I have a dungeon. Test me.

Wednesday - The firemen are off, so if your roof, your roof, your roof is on fire, the fire men are off so it's obviously gonna burn.

Thursday - Anyone wearing orange will be shot on sight.

Friday - Weekly parade in my honor. Attendance is mandatory. You do not want to know the consequences of missing.

Saturday - Firearm Class. My town is also an Army, you must learn to defend it. Followed by weekly bon fire for moral.

 

So since my term has started, in the lovely little gangster town of Winchestertonfieldville, things have slowly been getting better. I look my beautiful self in the mirror every day and say, "Connie, you go out and make this town as fierce as you are!". And I do. Can I get a holla!

Dearest Stephaniesia,

   I do declare this weather has gotten me all up in a tizzy! It's hot, it's cold, it's snowing, just make up your mind motha nature! I had to wear two petticoats to keep the chill off of me this evening! Quite the scandal, but of course I do loooove me a good scandal.

   Speaking of scandal, did you hear about Juanita McKay? Why she up and ran off with her cousin Joseph and got hitched a fortnight ago! It was kept under wraps until this very night! Turns out they were indeed kissin cousins, and he has her with child! I do declare I was shocked to my very toes! He was always a weird child, I don't know why Juanita paid him any special attention, she was quite a looker and could have married Percival Evans the Veterinarian from the next town over if she would have played her cards right. But alas, she has made her bed, now she must lie in it barefoot and pregnant. I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but if her momma wasn't such a whore maybe dear Juanita might have had a chance. But bad decision making must be in her blood. Bless her heart.

   I was entertaining last week, you remember my tea and BBQ dinner I invited you too? I was broken hearted you were down with the gout and couldn't make it. Anywho, you will never guess who showed up, with cucumber sandwiches in tow! Oh I'll tell you! It was Clarice DuBuah and her new boy toy Andrew Clearwater! Of the Atlanta Clearwaters! Can you just imagine my shock and horror at seeing her in my home?! And with cucumber sandwiches! Like I need her grubby sandwiches! I have a top chef that trained in Paris, France! Of all the nerve! It was a slap in my face is what it was I tell you! I took her ex-husband Harry's side in the divorce so the judge, my dear brother Frank, decided in Harry's favor, leaving Clarice with next to nothing, which is what she came into the marriage with, so I don't see the big deal! But she was un-invited to my party, and then to bring her lover! And you know he is a child of incestuous relations, most delicate situation that one, I won't mention it, but let's just say his dad is really his Uncle, but you didn't hear that from me! Anyway, I looked her right in the eye and told her that she was not welcome into my home, and she informed me that she was moving back into the neighborhood and that I should get used to the idea of seeing her around. Like we would ever be in the same social circle! She has some nerve, the nerve of a harlot!

   My blood pressure is raised now, I must calm myself down. I am going to go have a nice warm milk bath, with a touch of honey. I do hope to see you soon, I pray your gout releases it's painful grip on your body. Do tell Chistophernish I bid him a hello. I will write to thee soon!

Yours most sincerely and humbly
Lindseyetta

I dare say this 'blogging' that Theo has gotten me into is quite scandalous. I believe he is using me and my life experience as entertainment... of course he can't read, and everyone knows a lady who reads aloud isn't worth her weight in butter, so I am unaware of how he will become informed of my exploits. *Bored sigh* And I shan't care any more about it.

A very interesting thing happened to me on the way home from the Apothecary this evening, The reason for the trip is frankly none of your concern, but I believe I shall share the rest of the experience with you. As I walked along, minding my own business, this young man came bolting out of the alley carrying 3 watermelons screaming about how he would never eat watermelon again! He then, with all his little might, threw the watermelons on the ground! Yes! He threw them on the ground! Yelling about not being apart of the 'system'... I was frightened of course, I mean what if the watermelon residue ended up on my slippers? Or stained my frock?! I would have to have the little cretin tarred and feathered, and I just didn't have time to boil tar today. Luckily after a self reprisal I deduced I was indeed residue free, the child shall live yet another day. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked, I grabbed the youth by the collar and asked him what in tarnation he was throwing such a fit about? In broad daylight no less! He then told me his name was Brom, and that his mother had started taking up with the local watermelon vendor, and since they were peasants, they couldn't afford anything other than their daily bread and milk, so they ate watermelon his mothers man friend couldn't sell at the end of the day. His mother has apparently gotten quite creative in her culinary skills with the large fruit. Watermelon pancakes, watermelon grits, watermelon stew, watermelon cakes, watermelon jerky, watermelon chops, watermelon water... You surely grasp the gist of his dilemma. So I began to feel a stirring of emotion deep in my bosom... I believe they call this feeling 'sympathy'... It felt very unpleasant, I rather hope I never feel it again. So back to Brom. I patted his head and told him that perhaps he could be of some help in my fathers kitchen, and of course be able to eat his meals there on the days he helped. I know, I can scarce believe the depth of my generosity myself, I am such a humble giver, people should acknowledge this. So he was so overcome with joy that he accosted me with a hug, ick, and practically oozed happiness.... Peasants... uncouth creatures. It was then I felt a damp feeling on my back... and realized the little street beggar had gotten watermelon juice all over my new frock! So I duffed him across the head with my pocket book and told him to forget me ever helping him! It also turned out I do indeed have time to biol tar today...

I am far to exhausted to say much more. I barely had the strength to let my ladies maid undress me, bathe me, feed me, and brush my hair. I must now retire.