Dearest Stephaniesia,

   I do declare this weather has gotten me all up in a tizzy! It's hot, it's cold, it's snowing, just make up your mind motha nature! I had to wear two petticoats to keep the chill off of me this evening! Quite the scandal, but of course I do loooove me a good scandal.

   Speaking of scandal, did you hear about Juanita McKay? Why she up and ran off with her cousin Joseph and got hitched a fortnight ago! It was kept under wraps until this very night! Turns out they were indeed kissin cousins, and he has her with child! I do declare I was shocked to my very toes! He was always a weird child, I don't know why Juanita paid him any special attention, she was quite a looker and could have married Percival Evans the Veterinarian from the next town over if she would have played her cards right. But alas, she has made her bed, now she must lie in it barefoot and pregnant. I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but if her momma wasn't such a whore maybe dear Juanita might have had a chance. But bad decision making must be in her blood. Bless her heart.

   I was entertaining last week, you remember my tea and BBQ dinner I invited you too? I was broken hearted you were down with the gout and couldn't make it. Anywho, you will never guess who showed up, with cucumber sandwiches in tow! Oh I'll tell you! It was Clarice DuBuah and her new boy toy Andrew Clearwater! Of the Atlanta Clearwaters! Can you just imagine my shock and horror at seeing her in my home?! And with cucumber sandwiches! Like I need her grubby sandwiches! I have a top chef that trained in Paris, France! Of all the nerve! It was a slap in my face is what it was I tell you! I took her ex-husband Harry's side in the divorce so the judge, my dear brother Frank, decided in Harry's favor, leaving Clarice with next to nothing, which is what she came into the marriage with, so I don't see the big deal! But she was un-invited to my party, and then to bring her lover! And you know he is a child of incestuous relations, most delicate situation that one, I won't mention it, but let's just say his dad is really his Uncle, but you didn't hear that from me! Anyway, I looked her right in the eye and told her that she was not welcome into my home, and she informed me that she was moving back into the neighborhood and that I should get used to the idea of seeing her around. Like we would ever be in the same social circle! She has some nerve, the nerve of a harlot!

   My blood pressure is raised now, I must calm myself down. I am going to go have a nice warm milk bath, with a touch of honey. I do hope to see you soon, I pray your gout releases it's painful grip on your body. Do tell Chistophernish I bid him a hello. I will write to thee soon!

Yours most sincerely and humbly
Lindseyetta

I dare say this 'blogging' that Theo has gotten me into is quite scandalous. I believe he is using me and my life experience as entertainment... of course he can't read, and everyone knows a lady who reads aloud isn't worth her weight in butter, so I am unaware of how he will become informed of my exploits. *Bored sigh* And I shan't care any more about it.

A very interesting thing happened to me on the way home from the Apothecary this evening, The reason for the trip is frankly none of your concern, but I believe I shall share the rest of the experience with you. As I walked along, minding my own business, this young man came bolting out of the alley carrying 3 watermelons screaming about how he would never eat watermelon again! He then, with all his little might, threw the watermelons on the ground! Yes! He threw them on the ground! Yelling about not being apart of the 'system'... I was frightened of course, I mean what if the watermelon residue ended up on my slippers? Or stained my frock?! I would have to have the little cretin tarred and feathered, and I just didn't have time to boil tar today. Luckily after a self reprisal I deduced I was indeed residue free, the child shall live yet another day. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked, I grabbed the youth by the collar and asked him what in tarnation he was throwing such a fit about? In broad daylight no less! He then told me his name was Brom, and that his mother had started taking up with the local watermelon vendor, and since they were peasants, they couldn't afford anything other than their daily bread and milk, so they ate watermelon his mothers man friend couldn't sell at the end of the day. His mother has apparently gotten quite creative in her culinary skills with the large fruit. Watermelon pancakes, watermelon grits, watermelon stew, watermelon cakes, watermelon jerky, watermelon chops, watermelon water... You surely grasp the gist of his dilemma. So I began to feel a stirring of emotion deep in my bosom... I believe they call this feeling 'sympathy'... It felt very unpleasant, I rather hope I never feel it again. So back to Brom. I patted his head and told him that perhaps he could be of some help in my fathers kitchen, and of course be able to eat his meals there on the days he helped. I know, I can scarce believe the depth of my generosity myself, I am such a humble giver, people should acknowledge this. So he was so overcome with joy that he accosted me with a hug, ick, and practically oozed happiness.... Peasants... uncouth creatures. It was then I felt a damp feeling on my back... and realized the little street beggar had gotten watermelon juice all over my new frock! So I duffed him across the head with my pocket book and told him to forget me ever helping him! It also turned out I do indeed have time to biol tar today...

I am far to exhausted to say much more. I barely had the strength to let my ladies maid undress me, bathe me, feed me, and brush my hair. I must now retire.